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Not Over

Caroline, you thought you were invincible
And if you could be something, you'd be the best
If only life could be that simple
But you lived life better than all the rest
And if a little bit of you is left inside me
I've got what I need to pass the test
[You know she knows
Where you go she goes]
You're in my heart and in my head

CH
It's not over, not over
Not when my love is still alive
In my heart you'll never die
'Cos you're my star and you'll always shine
'Cos it's not over

Caroline, when you took a shot
The shot you took
You gave it all you got
You had everything that I had not
But together we had it all
We climbed the mountain
We had love that came before a fall
[You know she knows
Where you go she goes]
I know I'm not alone

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Wrinkly Andrew's Pie Dish

There's a girl that makes me
Feel my body's dissipating
I'm in pieces like the chair
Beside the leaves and things her dogs do there
Her bed rolls upon the floor
I wish she had a bathroom door
Or she'd sing me a song
But in the book I got the chords are wrong
Still I'm on cloud 9
When I get her eyes to meet with mine
So she can see my heart
Bleeding all over me

I've got a new horizon
The girl that I've set eyes on
She turns me in to Byron
I can't get no satisfaction
Now my heart's in traction

Why does she need to have
A multi-coloured curtain round her head
When it's flat as a pan
With no more crenellations than old
Wrinkly Andrew's pie dish ever had


I take off my biker pants
She slips off her lycra and
I reach right over and show her
What I can do with just one hand
I know that it's obvious
She's my three wishes all at once
I tell her she's divine
Which rhymes with Caroline
She's what it could be
If I took drugs like ecstasy
I'm craving, salivating
And some other things that end with …ating

I've got a new horizon
The girl that I've set eyes on
She turns me in to Byron
I can't get no satisfaction
Now my heart's in traction

I'd like to pull them back
All the colours tumbling down her head
That she don't need to have
'Cos she's got no more wrinkles than
Wrinkley Andrew's Pie dish ever had

BREAK

She could be my Nefertiti
She could launch 1,000 ships to sea
Without a fringe, believe me!
I can't get no satisfaction
Now my heart's in traction
I'd like to strip the colours bare
And kiss whatever's under there
'Cos there is nothing more than
Wrinkly Andrew's pie dish ever had

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I've Got a Sea Bass in my Car

1. There's a lot of pretty fish in the sea
But now I've found the one to swim with me
Who was smart enough to find my heart
And everything I'm hiding under my sheets
I'm coming over
I've got my lucky bag over my shoulder
But now I've gotta return to sender
'Cos there's something I've remembered

CH: I've got a bass
I've got a sea bass
I've got a sea bass in my car
If I leave the sea bass
It could start to smell bad
You'll say what the hell
I won't get far
I'm not having a laugh
I've got a sea bass in my car
A sea bass in my car

2. Ready with my net, homing like an Exocet
Gonna blow you from the ocean to the sky
But if I let you see what is in my back seat
You won't be the only one that's high
I'm going under
I should have driven past my fishmonger
I had a fish - and now I've had my chips

CH: I've got a bass
I've got a sea bass
I've got a sea bass in my car
If I let the fish meat fester in the back seat
Gonna feel a sea breeze that'll make you barf!
I'd better get my hat and scarf
'Cos I've got a sea bass in my car
A sea bass in my car

Ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba - sea bass in my car
Ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba - sea bass in my car
Got no time to park
I've got a sea bass in my car
A sea bass in my car
If I leave the sea bass
It could start to smell bad
You'll say what the hell
I won't get far
Cod and chips, my arse
I've got a sea bass in my car
A sea bass in my car

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Hole in My Heart

There's what is and what could never be
Something somewhere outside my imaginating
Who'd have thought there could be any dream
Where I'm in your shower while you're bringing tea
Where I get wetter than your dogs would if we set 'em
Bt the river that can swell up more than me

Hot loving from a City slicker
Nothing like this ever happened quicker
Never thought I could get love sicker
There's no fear that I'd want to be free
Or that the end could be near for you and me

Now this here's kinda like a funny song
But you know it's not just for anyone
It could only be for you
The love I had to fall into
To have it all instead of what would do
Like two stars when they collide
A supernova in the sky
Now I think it's time
You sang along beside me!

We'll never be his or her selfish
What you gave me, baby I felt it
From my heart right through to my pelvis
Tastes better than sushi or shellfish
I'll be your mad man
Make you ride so fast
Be your better half
Be your belly laugh (ha!)

Baby you gave me a new direction
Like your wheels, you're just the right pressure
Don't blow, blow is just a stupid expression
Don't sneeze now 'cos I wouldn't say "bless you"
You put a hole in my heart

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Five Knuckle Shuffle

Man on a mission - gotta get it done
No time for wishing - gotta get me some
Rain on a Monday
She left me, but I've got something
A bit of myself, a little self help
Here to lend me a hand
Shandy with a Tommy Tank

Ch: There's a five knuckle shuffle in town
There's a five knuckle shuffle going down
Got a five knuckle shuffle in hand
Cos I'm a five knuckle shuffling man
2. Man losing vision - I feel a little numb
It's not my religion - just a rule of my thumb
If your girl's gone missing
All you gotta do is get a little wrist in
A bit of myself, a little self help
Here to lend me a hand
Shandy with a Tommy Tank

Ch: There's a five knuckle shuffle in town
There's a five knuckle shuffle going down
Got a five knuckle shuffle in hand
I'm a five knuckle shuffling man

Break: Some girls call, but don't come around
Some kind of girls just ain't no good for my health
But one thing never lets me down
That's my appointment with myself

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What Is and Isn't Reel

Here's a song of what goes wrong
When only dreams will do
Of bars of expectation sitting high above the moon
I'll tell you in the stories of some maidens that I knew
There's some that I can't mention
But then I've known a few

I had a lover of my life
Or so I thought was true
I bought her swings and roundabouts
Her dreaming to pursue
But when you're left with a space cadet
There's nothing more to do
And off she went with the fairies
And all my money too

I once went with a scouser
A scally and a shrew
And a German girl who registered
On the Richter scale a two
Together they did slag me off with words I've never heard
The German had the compound noun, the scouser had the verb

Then I did spy a Southern belle
An Atalantan too
Left with sprogs and a token dog
By men that wouldn't do
It's not your house or money, ma'am
It's you I want said I
Well what do you think she told the shrink
About what it can't buy?

Next I met a mistress of politeness if you please
Tore me off a strip for not minding my Q's and P's
In bed we were like horses in that thing they call dressage
"Don't do this, please don't do that"
Ah, go fek your fekin' arse!

Then came a sparky glamour puss
Larger than my life
She came from down under
But there I ne'er did lie
With scatty blondes and foppy lads
A party I did find
But I left my the front door
And they left me behind

And when I thought my luck had gone
My luck it turned around
A lady fair with passion there in her eyes did astound
Not high of hog, a scruffy dog
A hamster on the wheel
And all I ever wanted in my life
'Cos it was real

Now my song will end 'ere long
So this I sing to you
We set our expectation bar
And jumped right over too
And now she's with the angels
Here's my message and it's true
It's wanting what you have
Not having what you wanted to

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7 Dwarfs

My girl says no-one compares
The bare essentials can't compete
And I refresh the parts
That even hair extensions never reach
Love can be stretch like underwear
And I would bet my life
We'll be together longer
Than the whole of the M25

My darling Caroline
You're sweet as apple pie
My burger and my fries
My Bonnie and my Clyde
The ointment in my fly
I'm the 7 dwarfs
And you're my Snow White

When I'm discombobulated
There's no place but in her arms
She just tells me we should do
What animals do on the farm
Like the horses and the cows
Little piggies that grunt and howl

And some other things
I can't do now I've stopped ballet
(She knows I can't bend that way...)

My darling Caroline
I was taken by surprise
Love can be so blind
If I ever say goodbye
Pigs and cows might fly
With the 7 dwarfs behind

My darling Caroline
Circumference of my Pi
Love was never blind
If I ever say goodbye
To Disneyland I'll fly
And bugger all the 7 dwarfs from behind

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The Mighty Quinns

Everybody's building the big ships and boats
Some are building monuments, others jotting down notes
Everybody's in despair, every girl and boy
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here
everybody's gonna jump for joy

Oh come all without, come all within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinns
Come all without, come all within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinns.
Oh you know I like to do just like the rest
You know I like my sugar sweet
but guarding fumes and making haste
You know it ain't my cup of meat
Everybody's out the trees, feeding
pigeons all under the limb
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here
the pigeons gonna run to him

Oh come all without, come all within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinns
Come all without, come all within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinns.

A cat's meow and a cow's moo to you
know I, I could recite them all
Just tell me where it hurts you, honey,
and I'll tell you who to call
Nobody can get asleep, there's
someone on everybody's toes
When Quinn the Eskimo gets here
everybody's gonna want to doze

Oh come all without, come all within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinns
Come all without, come all within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinns.

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Umubano (aka "Plebgate")

Get down to Rwanda
Try and lend a hand to
Get with Umaganda
Be counted and stand up
Rebrand it
Don't propaganda it
Forget the trouble and strife
Bring hope and new life
Come to teach, outreach
[Get a safe seat]
Spray Deet
Still get bitten under the sheets
Eat goat meat
Show everyone how to speak
Just like me, your MP
And my friend here who's a Sikh!

Jaldi jaldi
Down in Kigali
Talking business but not entirely
Work hard, play hard
The Party that parties
(Stick to the Primus, lay off Waragi)
We're business people, real Svengalis
Business is easy watching us talk
Just cut hair on the sidewalk
Cram pigs in vans and sell pork
Buy a cab so you don't have to walk
Or get into the paper bag scene
Or exfoliation and crème
To make your friends look like me!

Tell the village to get wise, mobilise
It's the economy, stupid
Save up to buy a truck
You don't know what to do with
Next year you'll be working for Growfin
Minecofin
Key to the latrine!
"Did you look into the toilet and it's clean?"

Figure out the cash flow
Get it on a slide show
Press go, presto
Here's the chorus, here we go!
CH
Umubano, umubano
Can you fix it?
Yes we can-o
Every woman, every man-o
Umubano!

Back at the K flat
Talking about this, talking about that
Plenty of words in a sentence is where it's at
Is it the Mutzig?
"No, we're always like that!"
It's communication, it's great
Sometimes it resonates
Let me translate:
That's when we tell it straight
Then we sell it by the hundredweight
We can pump more gas than what's in that lake!

Everyone's an entrepreneur
Except the French who don't have a word for it [for sure]
Lucky it's not French here no more
Or we'd never get Chinese or Indian to go!
Build it and they will come
When the feasibility study gets done
Everybody brings someone
Chinese, AID, even lazy Indians can come
We could be like Singapore
Streets with no gum
Country can't go to the dogs
There ain't none!

In the meantime, have fun
Down at the Novo
Do the NGO's
They volunteer so grab one
Get some skin in the game like Joe
"Everything's all go
Ain't lost MY mojo!
And don't come here whining and bleating
Nothing wrong with a good beating!"
So, get serious
It's the greatest show on earth...
Period.

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Vaughan Song D'Amour

When I wake up in the morning
Too bloody early for me
I know what love can bring
I know what's coming for me
She call it morning glory
It's enough to make me sing
If there's a better place
I've never been there
Just another perfect day

Caroline...
My little ray of sunshine
Love you 'til the sea runs dry
I'll be a grape, you can be my vine
I wanna be a pig in your sty

I know a song called Silent Night
Won't sing that 'cos the window's open wide
Contacts out and her ear plugs in
If I'm talking in my sleep
Making no sense to you and me
I'm really only trying to sing
Where hearts are grey
We've never been there
Living in our passion play

Caroline...
Kiss me if you feel inclined
I got a knot only you can untie
If I was acid you'd be alkaline
You can be you and I can be I!

Caroline...
Skin smoother than a porcupine
If I was paint, you'd emulsify
Give you two coats, leave you out to dry
To see you I'd swim the Serpentine
You taste better than turpentine
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

For your contact lens I'll be your saline
When your head aches I'll be your Asperin
When you get chapped I'll be your Vaseline
If I was slitty-eyed I'd be your concubine
Sing you a song for the Harlequins
Love you higher than a satellite
You're better than bacon without the rind
Out of you I see a sun that shines
Stick with you, baby through thick and thin,
Caroline!

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It's So You

She's a baby that booms
She's got a web cam in her room
Everyone can see her getting naked
Wanna get another hit before
She discovers it's the nearest thing
She's gonna get to famous
Shave your eyebrows, paint your hair
And pretend you're on TV
Wear your pants below the stairs
It's so you, it's so me
It's so you
CH
You - it's so you
You're so everything, you're everything
Everybody loves you 'cos they know you love them too

She's got a collagen jab
And every other little must-have
Body full of holes in different places
If she wants she fakes
But does she give? For bloody hell's sake
Not if your holding all the aces
All designer things to wear
Living high and low
Bleach your asshole, we don't care
If the sun shines out

Or in or out or in our out
CH

Did you ever think about
Anyone outside of you?
The hands are holding out
For yours too...

CH

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We're Going All The Way

Been 40 years,
I think the time is up
'Cos we've got the game to bring us back the cup
Flags will be waving round the land
We all join hands, the place goes mad
When England takes on everyone
And rules the waves again

CH

England, England never giving up
Calling to the world
We're gonna win the cup
We are the boys who'll make you pay
We're going all the way

Gerrard wins the ball
Runs it down the wing
Curls one to Lampard, Lampard bangs it in
Lays it off to Rooney, Roon's on fire
No-one steps on his foot this time
Beckham bends it round the wall
For England it's a GOAL!

CH

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Fi Fi Fi Fi Fi

Fi, I don't know what I was thinking
How could I leave you out?
'Cos you took me out and we had some time drinking
And that's what it's all about
And we all put the world to rights
And I laughed my stomach tight
And I got right back on my bike, feeling good tonight

Fi, I guess you think this ain't your song
But I can tell you, you've got it wrong
'Cos there's no other song with Fi
And Sally Jane and Holly Ann
And other things

So, here it is, this is my bag of tricks
And if I'm not a man who gets three ticks
There's no other man could write you a song
With a middle bit like this:

[Fi, Fi, Fi, Fi...]
'Cos that's your name and this song just might fit

So this is not a time for jealousy
You had a glass or two or maybe three
And you learned words like "alacrity"
And you got a song that goes "Fi Fi Fi Fi Fi!"

'Cos there's no other song with Fi and Sally Jane
And Holly Ann, Jules, Belinda and your mother's name
Let's get 'em all in now so they can't say
That I missed their name
Oh, Fi, I never meant to leave you out
Here's my head upon the block for you to clout
And now I hope I'm someone you don't doubt...